Had I known sooner
by Lucien Dawn
Summary: WHAT if Tsuzuki really died in the last arc? Hisoka would never have the chance to confess his feelings for him. It feels like a dream, at the same time, a nightmare. R&R please!
1. If only you were here

Fanfiction: Yami no Matsuei  
  
Authoress: aoi-chan a.k.a. hisoka_fangirl alias janelle-chan ^^;  
  
Disclaimer: Argh. do I have to say it? I dun' own YNM ;_; I wish I did. And the quote is not mine too. It's from Ring 0, which, I don't own ^^;  
  
Notes: WHAT if. Tsuzuki really died (on eps. 13)? Hisoka would never have a chance to confess his love for Tsuzuki. How will he react? Erm. sorry for changing a wee bit of the story plot. um, sorry for killing Tsuzuki too! ^_^ (Uh. gomena to Tsuzuki fangirls and *cough* fanboys.) Promise that I'll bring him back to life again after my ficcy ^^. Anyway, most of the things here are from Hisoka-sama's point of view. Er, please be gentle in reviewing since I'm new here ^^;  
  
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"If I could be reborn, even though it violate the will of God himself. I would want to be at your side.with you. If it were all a dream when I awoke if only you were There. But the light of the morning shows me as I really am. Still, I want to say it. 'I love you'."  
  
-Yamamura Sadako  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The day in Meifu was warm, a bit hot maybe, but Hisoka seemed to be a bit chilled by someone, maybe even something. Even a thought, perhaps. The feeling that something. bad. was about to happen.  
  
"Hisoka-chan.!" A warm voice greeted.  
  
[Me: Er. I guess this is where Hisoka's POV starts. Sorry for the lousy intro. As I said, I'm new at making ficcys ^^;]  
  
I spun round to see Tsuzuki smiling at me.  
  
"Baka! Why do you even need to call me with a -chan!? Shouldn't you be working on your paperwork right now!?" I replied. I may be mean, but.  
  
"'Soka-chan! You're no fun! But I still like you!" Tsuzuki said, a bit offended, but grinning at the last part.  
  
I blushed. Why did that idiot say that to me!? Friendly like? Or maybe. love.? What am I thinking? Maybe all the caffeine is getting on to me. [^^;]  
  
I winced in surprise. What am I thinking?  
  
Tsuzuki spoke again, "No matter! No matter! *waves finger* I'll have it finished by tomorrow. I meant today! I'll see you around later and."  
  
Tsuzuki moved closer and hugged me. Of course, yet again, I blushed.  
  
"Baka! Why did you do that for!?" I pushed him away forcibly, but not enough to actually hurt.  
  
"Well. I didn't know why I did that ^^;. I just felt like doing it. I have been having this dream. As if I won't see you ever again! So. ~_~ I'm telling you too much, bye!"  
  
I felt shocked at Tsuzuki's reply. But I pondered on the thought. What would I do - if. I won't be able to see Tsuzuki again. if. we had never met.? Ridiculous. I'm living in the present, that's not going to happen. Moreover, why am I so concerned with him? It's not like. I have feelings for him?  
  
~The next day~  
  
Tsuzuki was waiting for me at the door. I expected him there anyway, since he said that he was going to hand over the paperwork. He was as genky as ever, even speaking to me in a playful tone. "Good morning!"  
  
I appreciated the fact that he waited for me but he didn't have to be so loud. "Ch' you don't have to be that loud."  
  
Tsuzuki looked at me through large eyes, "Hmph. It's okay. I know that you don't mean that!"  
  
I looked up to him. I don't know why I said this, I just felt compelled to do so, "You're right."  
  
[Alright. so pointless fluff was just shown ^^; now let's skip a few scenes. AND here! The arc is finished and they weren't able to save Tsu- chan and stuff. Hisoka was er. somewhere else when it all happened. This is the part where I said I changed a wee bit of the plot. Anyway, Tsuzuki is now dead. ^^;]  
  
Watari was unusually quite and somber that day. Everybody was. I was looking around for Tsuzuki; I needed to. tell him something [up to your creative minds, people! ^^;]. As I was passing through his desk, Tatsumi gently tapped my shoulder.  
  
"Kurosaki-kun, I don't know how to explain this to you but."  
  
I looked at him with eager eyes. Could it be something about Tsuzuki? Judging from Tatsumi's tone, it must be serious.  
  
"Is it about Tsuzuki? Did he come back? Did he?"  
  
Tatsumi looked down. "No. H-he's dead." Tatsumi then walked away leaving me with a feeling of emptiness.  
  
It was as if I wanted the world to swallow me down. Just when I had the feeling of being wanted; maybe even being loved, all my dreams were shattered. No, this can't be true! Had I known this sooner. I would have told you that. I. I love you.  
  
"If I could be reborn, even though it violate the will of God himself. I would want to be at your side.with you. If it were all a dream when I awoke if only you were There."  
  
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Argh. everything that was in that horrible fanfic was all made up, I had to write it in because it was building up in my mind; and beginning to make a really BIG mess ^^;. Sorry for major OOC-ness. Anyway, the quotes were taken from Ring 0. It's wonderful; isn't it? Excuse my lack of vocabulary too. Anyway, I'll explain more of this on the next chapter. And please read and review! Domo arigato! =) 


	2. Sleepless Nights

Chapter II: Sleepless Nights  
  
My message: Argh. sorry for writing a bad fanfic ^^; I don't know why I'm continuing it. Maybe it's because of my sugar rush. Anyway, please try to overlook bad grammar and misspelled words because we don't have a beta- reader (whatever that is) and English is not my mother language. Cheesy stuff (and more fluff!) will come in later. For the meantime, please R&R! (And I still plan on reviving Tsu-chan after my ficcy ^_~)  
  
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After hearing the news, I felt so empty. even angry. Yes, angry. Is it so insignificant for them that Tsuzuki died!? Tatsumi explained to me that it was what Tsuzuki had wanted. So, Tsuzuki had wanted to leave me all alone!? It's my fault. I've somehow chased him away. I never saw the hurt that he was feeling deep inside. Maybe I'M that cause of it all.  
  
~That night.~  
  
I went home feeling tired, I couldn't stop the tears at work. Maybe even Kachou noticed. We all paid respects to Tsuzuki. but. I shouldn't be thinking about this.  
  
[That moment, a chilly breeze shifted part of the curtain, revealing a photo taken some months ago. Actually, it wasn't just left there. Hisoka had cleaned his room the other night. when Tsuzuki came over and insisted that he frame the picture. (Alright, so baaaaad interlude! ^^;)]  
  
"Eh. What's this.?" I picked up the framed photo. It was when Tsuzuki had persisted that we eat at Cinappon (their own version of Cinnabon). He was happy at that picture while I was. frowning, as always. Maybe, he wasn't happy at the way I'm treating him. so.  
  
I don't know what came over me but I threw the frame with the picture against the wall. "DAMN YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! WHY DID YOU. leave me. why!?"  
  
Tears dripped from my chin - and for a moment, just a moment, I saw Tsuzuki smiling at me across the bedside table. "Is this one of your tricks, Tsuzuki!? I don't want to play anymore! I don't want to!!!"  
  
I turned approached the table, and, as I was expecting, he wasn't there. wasn't there.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I quickly wiped my tears feeling ashamed and undressed. As I was taking a shower. I saw a figure from outside the bathroom. It looked strangely familiar but the figure was too vague for me to recognize. I hurried up on my shower and checked constantly if the shadow was still there. Sure enough, after I had dressed, there was still a figure of a man who seemed to be waiting for something, maybe for me? I checked my face in the mirror. I couldn't bear to look at it since my face was red and my eyes were a bit puffy from crying. I ignored it and went out anyway. As I hurried out; I then knew why the figure was so familiar! It was my partner; TSUZUKI!  
  
I was shocked at first that I, yet again, began to cry. [Damn. Hisoka shouldn't be crying to much in my fanfic. it's gonna get him depressed.] Tsuzuki smiled at me, then angled my chin at his hands; after looking me in the eye, he said in a comforting voice ever so softly; "Hisoka. Please don't cry for me. I love you."  
  
I was so shocked that I stop crying, "H-hai". I must be dreaming since when I awoke the next day; I was lying on my bed; still in the same clothes as when I had gotten out of the shower. I was scared after the incident. But I wondered; had Tsuzuki really come to. visit me? I shook my head profusely. No, maybe it's just the effect of stress. I didn't tell anyone that that about what had happened. They might think that I'm crazy for thinking of such things. But. it seemed so real.  
  
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Gah. sorry for a very weird fanfic! I mean, even I was weirded out by what I wrote. Bad things can happen when you don't sleep; eat a huuuuge amount of sweets; AND practically live in a white, padded room. Anyway, my story was meant as a three-chapter work but this chapter just popped out of my head while I was doing my crochet project (which I'm also supposed to be doing NOW). Anyway, I *certainly* hope that there's no more Tsuzuki- hauntings in the next chapter since even 'm getting a wee bit scared. Please R&R! 


	3. Dream

Chapter III: Dream  
  
Some ramblings: Last chapter. I'm not used to writing cheesy fics. The ending is a bit like Ring 0. Severe addiction. And Thankies for the reviews, I'll try to improve on those but I can't cram the Hana-Yume series in. LOL. Anyway, R&R please!  
  
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"If I could be reborn, even though it violate the will of God himself. I would want to be at your side.with you. If it were all a dream when I awoke if only you were There. But the light of the morning shows me as I really am. Still, I want to say it. 'I love you'."  
  
-Yamamura Sadako  
  
I had never noticed the night to be so cold. Maybe it's the feeling of emptiness. . . Sure, I had known this feeling.. Even from when I was a child, but tonight, it seems to be more lonely than usual. All my years of childhood is nothing compared to this. It seems to be all a dream.  
  
I fell on the bed with a soft sound. I was too tired to even take the time to change.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
When I awoke; everything was pitch black. I couldn't hear nor see anything. At first, I just stood still trying to determine which way was out. I squinted hard to find some exit. After a few minutes, I gave up. Just then; I heard a voice.  
  
"You are not my child! Get away from me!!!"  
  
I froze for a moment. It all seemed too familiar. It was the voice of my father, Nagare. If this was all a dream; I don't know if I want to wake up or not.  
  
I shut my eyes and covered my ears. "This can't be true." An echo of voices ran through my head. Until to the time. the time when the blood-red moon seemed to be at it's brightest, when Muraki took 'it' from me. I couldn't take it anymore; I couldn't block it out of my head. I fainted.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
When I had recovered, I was still in the same place. Maybe I'm still dreaming. I tried to shut my eyes and wake up. Nothing happened.  
  
It seemed like an eternity but it finally dawned on me that I was stuck there forever. I buried my face in my arms, but then.  
  
"'Soka-chan~!!!!"  
  
I know that voice! I'm sure it must be Tsuzuki!  
  
I walked anticipating seeing Tsuzuki somewhere in that darkness, or even bumping into him. It was too dark but I had managed to walk around without hitting anything. "So, it's a vast open area, but it shouldn't be too hard." I urged myself.  
  
"'Soooookaaaa-chaaaan! Please don't keep me waiting!"  
  
My eyes lit up. The voice sounded clearer, I must have been getting near! I walked briskly, going faster and faster. After a while, my legs ached. I felt tired.  
  
I walked a few steps more and collapsed from exhaustion. "This is just a short rest. I'm sure that Tsuzuki will be waiting for me."  
  
As if on cue, I heard the voice again. This time - Tsuzuki was there.  
  
"Hisoka-chan!!!" Tsuzuki was smiling at me, holding out his hand.  
  
"Hisoka-chan. Come now! Let's get out of this horrible place! No ice cream! Or sweets, or any food at all! Let's go!" He extended his hand more to me.  
  
I blinked in surprise. "Tsuzuki, how could you be thinking about 'those' at a time like this!? Well, let's go."  
  
I reached out to hold his hand but then - he seemed to go farther and farther and farther.  
  
I heard smirks. It was distinctively Muraki's. Tears formed from my eyes.  
  
"TSUUUUZUUUUKIIIIII!!!!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Hisoka! Hisoka! Wake up!"  
  
The moment I opened my eyes, I saw white. Clean sheets on an empty bed and white curtains draped over equally white windows. I squinted when somebody came into view. I couldn't make it out at first but when the person touched my hand. the warmth. it could only be Tsuzuki.  
  
"Hisoka. You were having a bad dream." Tsuzuki half-whispered, "Sorry, I didn't want to wake you up or anything but -"  
  
For the first time, I smiled at him. I wiped off some cold sweat and looked around first. We were at the hospital, though I don't know where. I didn't even know Meifu had a hospital.  
  
~Next day.~  
  
I was sitting under the sakura tree, reading a book, but I couldn't keep focused since I kept remembering my dream.  
  
"What if. It really happened? What would I do.If I had really lost Tsuzuki?"  
  
Just then -  
  
"ITAII!!!" Tsuzuki fell off a branch. He wasn't that hurt. Maybe just trying to be cute.  
  
He blinked in surprise. "Eh.? Erm. I wasn't eavesdropping or anything but - I thought I heard you calling me. Ahahaha. *gulp* you're. you're not mad at me. ne?"  
  
I shook my head a little. "Ie." But remembering more important things. "Baka! You aren't discharged from the hospital yet.?"  
  
Tsuzuki winked at me. "I already was! I was just waiting for you. Besides, I was afraid."  
  
I closed my book and looked him straight in the eyes, ".Of what.?"  
  
"That you would break your promise and leave me."  
  
"Baka! Why would it do that for!"  
  
I opened the book again to read -to hide my blush too-, and Tsuzuki sat beside me, constantly peering to see if I was already finished with the chapter.  
  
"Hisoka.?"  
  
"Mm. Nani.?"  
  
"Well." Tsuzuki stopped and blushed a little. Yes, the Tsuzuki Asato, blushing.  
  
"Spit it out already!!!"  
  
"I - I just wanted to tell you. that. Thank you. for being there for me, for making me feel wanted." Tsuzuki stopped and smiled at me. "Well. that's all. I should be going now."  
  
I was touched by his words. I don't need to use empathy on him; I already knew what he meant. "Tsuzuki. - wait!" I caught his wrist and tugged gently at his sleeve.  
  
"I - I have something to tell you too." I dropped the book and stood up to face him.  
  
Tsuzuki grinned eagerly. "Yes?"  
  
I looked down on the floor but my gaze wandered again to Tsuzuki.  
  
"I. I - love you!"  
  
Tsuzuki kept smiling, then after a moment which all seemed like an eternity for me, "I love you too." He pulled me closer and hugged me. I pulled closer to his warmth.  
  
Then - a kiss. It was a simple and quick kiss, but it expressed everything that had been building up inside me all this time. Tsuzuki looked at me seriously, "Hisoka, promise to stay with me forever.?"  
  
I smiled back at him, "Baka! We're Shinigamis! Partners stick to each other!"  
  
Tsuzuki only replied, "Of course." He took my arm and we walked together, not minding what the world would think, just as long as we had each other, everything would be fine. It would be all right.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
*Terazuma fall from the tree branch above the one that Tsuzuki fell* "*groan* How touching."  
  
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Eh, I warned you about the ending! I did! But it's not exactly like R0 because. erm. can't say spoilers. That's the last chapter so please review! Erm. in the last part, when Terazuma says 'How touching', I mean - he was eavesdropping and he was sarcastic too. LOL. 


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